this is my third entry today.

i wonder what would happen if i did this thing that i'm thinking about doing. you know, with that girl that i don't quite hate anymore.

i would have to begin by telling lies. lying isn't really a problem for me, though. i do it quickly and easily, and can build lie upon lie for as long as you can test me. that part will be easy.

i don't think it'll be difficult to get her to do what i want, because, well, she's lonely. she wants someone to love her and all that cad. (note: "cad": nadsat [language used in a clockwork orange comprised of words and slang from american english, english english, and russian.] for "shit".) i, however, would not be wanting any such illusion. and the lack of illusion is important to my ideal here, because it's important to the torrent of emotions i was talking about earlier. i don't think, though, that she'd be too keen on the illusion, and would probably go with my idea. i doubt she'd turn down sex. i really do.

i suspect she had a slight crush on me all those years ago, and am banking on the fact that she can never let anything go, ever. she'll have not forgotten that, i'm sure.

to know me is to love me, bitch. you know it. she does too. i'll start talking to her again soon, and maybe-just-maybe this will work out. i need to get laid, dammit, and she damn sure does too.

for once the thought of being the dominant one in a relationship kind of gives me a thrill. i was never much for that whole thing, but now ... shit. i wonder if she'd be into d/s. i think i could enjoy the hell out of that.

if i do go through with this, i'll have to be careful and keep my foolish emotions in check. i have a habit of letting them go, and last time something like this happened, i ended up fucking up and becoming attached to the person, and nothing came to fruition.

dammit, i just know this is a bad idea. i know i'll fuck it up.

oh well.

song: "small time shot away" - massive attack