there's a song, by derek and the dominoes (though you probably know it as the shorter eric clapton song) called "layla." i've always loved it, although not because it's particularly appropriate to anything in my life, though it kind of is.

it's because of the ending, which i've seen called the "piano exit", which is appropriate because even though clapton's guitar work is still present, it's very subtle, and it's mostly the piano one hears.

it breaks my heart everytime i hear it, and i don't know why. it's sort of ... i guess you'd call it bittersweet. i think it's because of the alternation of major and minor piano chords, and also because of the particular way clapton's playing - bending lots of notes that are far up on the fretboard.

(for non-music people, this means that the piano player is using lots of sad sounding chords, and clapton is bending a lot of the notes he plays, which are very high notes, which typically sound very sweet and happy, but when they're bent (meaning he sort of wiggles his finger as he presses down on the string), there's a sort of sadness to them.)

there aren't any words to that part, but it's sort of suggestive of a passage of time to me, a time passed mostly alone, with happier times and sadder times dominant at different points.

the first part of the song is standard, i guess. everyone's heard clapton's solo acoustic version of it, and the piano exit was used in the movie goodfellas - mostly as a musical counterpoint, i think, since it was discussing how months after a robbery had been committed, bodies were still being found. it's a pretty decent movie, by the way.

but anyway. i remember hearing it when i was a small child because i think my dad had the record it was on, and i would sit in the hallway where the stereo was - complete with the record player (my dad still has one, along with tons of records ... i love vinyl), and listen to his records, and i remember he told me to listen to this song, and i remembered the first part, but the second part just made me shut up and listen. even then i recognized how sad it was, and even then i think (i could be wrong) it brought tears to my eyes, though i didn't really cry. i was about six then.

and now ... now i know. why it breaks my heart when i hear it. someone is being missed. someone's died, or is at least gone and is never coming back, and so they may as well be dead. the song reminds me of my father, and it makes me dread the day when he's not going to be there anymore. it's pretty simple, now that i think about it. i love my dad, and even though i can't really share much of myself with him, there is still the fact that we're so much alike, which is comforting in a way. that fact gives me a sense of identity, really, which i guess is a little strange since most of the people my age get their sense of self from what they do and the people they hang around. i hang out on weekends and watch movies with my dad. kind of sad, really, but i don't care much.

these are the only times i wish people didn't have to die, and the only times when i'm really able to relate when people lose their parents or whatever. usually i stick to the idea that everyone dies, and it shouldn't be mourned nearly as much as it is.

but sometimes i get like this, and start crying when everything's fine and no one's died yet.

my mother is in texas, and her fiancee or whatever the fuck he is has driven me away, and i trust i'm not going to be seeing her much anymore. i miss her too, but i miss my father in a different way. i miss him already, if you know what i mean, even though i see him pretty much every weekend. i hate to say it, but i don't think i'm going to be half as torn up about my mother dying as i'm going to be about my dad dying.

jesus. everything makes me cry lately. i'm so sad and so lacking direction. i don't know much of what i'm going to do. i keep thinking about the future and even though i don't really dread it, there is the fact that i just don't know what i'm going to do about it. i hate that. it implies a lack of control, and i hate not being in control.

song: "layla" - derek and the dominoes (duh)